To Kashmiri parents: Before asking about caste in marriage, ask about groom family’s debt

By Saba Ali

I am 27 years old. Like thousands of young women across Kashmir, I am at an age where relatives, neighbours, and family friends constantly discuss marriage. Every proposal that comes is examined through the same traditional lens. People ask: Which family does he belong to? What is their caste? How much does he earn? How much land do they own? Does the girl have a government job? Is the family respectable?

Rarely does anyone ask the most important question of all: How much debt is the family carrying?

This silence has become one of the biggest deceptions in our marriage culture. I am choosing this newspaper to publish this because it is widely read, especially by business and farming communities, and is taken seriously.

Today, many families in Kashmir present a picture of prosperity before marriage. Beautiful houses, expensive vehicles, lavish wedding functions, and claims of financial stability create an image that attracts prospective brides and their families. But after marriage, the reality often emerges. The house is mortgaged. The land is under bank loan. The business is drowning in debt. Monthly repayments consume most of the family’s income.

What was presented as wealth turns out to be liabilities.

The tragedy is not that people have loans. There is no shame in borrowing money to build a home, educate children, or expand a business.

The shame lies in hiding these realities before marriage.

Marriage is a partnership built on trust. If a family deliberately conceals major financial obligations, they are depriving the other side of information that could significantly affect the future of the couple. Such concealment creates resentment, mistrust, and conflict from the very beginning of married life.

Even more disturbing is another trend that has become increasingly common. Soon after marriage, some husbands and their families begin pressuring the bride to demand her share of parental property while her parents are still alive and while her brothers and sisters may still be studying, unemployed, or struggling to establish themselves.

As a Kashmiri woman, I find this deeply disturbing.

A daughter has rights. Islam grants inheritance rights to women, and those rights must be respected. But there is a difference between a daughter voluntarily receiving her rightful share at the appropriate time and a newly married woman being pushed by her husband’s family to seek money or property from her parents to solve the groom’s financial problems.

Parents spend their lives sacrificing for their children. To see a daughter being used as a financial bridge between an indebted husband and her ageing parents is heartbreaking.

This practice damages relationships, creates divisions among siblings, and places enormous emotional pressure on women who are caught between two families.

I believe it is time for a cultural change.

Families searching for a groom should not only ask about education, income, property, and social status. They should also respectfully inquire about outstanding loans, mortgages, business liabilities, and major financial commitments. Transparency about debt should become as normal as discussing employment.

Similarly, groom-side families must be honest about their financial situation. If there are bank loans, disclose them. If property is mortgaged, disclose it. If there are serious financial obligations, disclose them. Honest families may lose some proposals, but they will gain something far more valuable: trust.

Marriage should not be a transaction based on appearances. It should not be built upon hidden liabilities and future surprises.

As a young Kashmiri woman preparing for one of the most important decisions of her life, I would rather know an uncomfortable truth before marriage than discover a painful reality after it.

In today’s Kashmir, before asking about caste, before asking about status, and before asking about how many rooms a house has, perhaps we should first ask a simple question:

“What debts are you carrying?”

That answer may reveal far more about a family’s honesty than anything else.